


Random Poetry I Wrote And Don't Know Where To Put

by greensparrow29



Category: Original Work
Genre: Poetry, i'll put specific tw at the start of chapters, tags will be added i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:07:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26056936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greensparrow29/pseuds/greensparrow29
Summary: i am too put it simply, a very sad person. this is all very depressing poetry, i am so sorry.
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression, suicide

i grew up poor  
not even in poverty just... poor  
constant worry about money  
drug addiction  
a single mom.

i knew young that i needed to be different  
i'd get a good job  
i'd go to college  
i'd do what my family couldn't  
i'd make sure my family never went hungry again.

but i was a child  
i should have never had to worry  
never had to care  
my family was a mess  
i never realised at the time  
that the things my family was struggling with  
i was not immune to.

why did no one tell me of how prevalant depression was in my family  
why did no one tell me that maturing too fast could be bad  
why did no one tell me i wasn't acting correctly  
why did no one tell me i wasn't normal.

i entered high school full of hope  
i left it a husk  
that dream of a career, of college, of protecting my family  
dashed by mental health   
that should have been treated long ago.

i sometimes wish i died at 14  
my mom loved me  
i had friends that cared  
now if i die  
i will be forgotten.

a social media post  
a memory in my niece's eyes  
a photograph showing a person i never was  
the last years of my life have been pointless  
a haze of disassociation, depression and anxiety  
that nobody ever noticed.

why did i get so bad at hiding this  
why did i feel the need to hide  
i don't know  
but now i'm suffering  
and i can't ask for help  
and that poor kid who dreamed of a happy life  
died   
long  
ago.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression, suicide mention

real life can be a little weird  
cause life isn't fairytale  
i didn't get the prince, i didn't win  
and all i got was depression  
but i'm still alive  
and i'm not sure why.

my body feels like its fell apart  
a frankenstien of who i could have been  
parts scattered everywhere  
with no one to rule them  
and nobody else to pick up the pieces.

i spent five years lazing in a tower  
pushing away anyone who even cared  
but did they even  
i don't know  
i pushed them from my tower  
and never looked back until it was too late. 

the people who did care always left me  
i never found a therapist   
or a teacher  
or a person  
who stayed.

i wonder if it is me  
if i am all the bad that could ever be  
am i a monster, a creatin  
meant only for destruction  
i don't know  
i don't know.

i pushed them from my tower but  
i still think of them  
their brightest smiles  
their laughter  
brought me joy  
i miss them and yet  
sometimes i knew it wouldn't work out  
but ending up with no one  
is worse than  
a few more heartbreaks.

i turned to anything i could  
games, books, my own writing  
i never ended up   
with anything to share  
a few screenshots, a poem, maybe a prose.

i never did regain my love of song  
it fell when the rain came along  
but here i am  
writing   
for the first time in a while  
i hope this helps even for a smile.

i miss bringing joy to other people  
i miss seeing my mom smile as i showed her my report card  
my sister admiring my drawings  
my friends laughing at my jokes.

now i'm alone and slowly drying up  
a tower crumbled  
a desert once an ocean  
will i be forgotten  
or is more yet to come?  
i don't know  
i don't know

i wonder everyday how long i'll live  
whether the next day will be my last  
i hope to give one more person a smile  
its all i've ever been good enough for.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw: self-isolation, depression, past panic attack

i gained a fear of isolation at 11  
i had my first panic attack that day  
atop a mountain  
a school trip i remember more vividly   
than that whole year.

my teacher tried his best  
but it took a while for me to calm down  
i thought i would be okay after that  
but i wasn't.

i trailed behind  
snow falling around me  
cold, tired, scared  
i looked forward and i realised i was alone.

i started to cry  
i knew they were there, i knew   
i just couldn't see them  
but i just couldn't comprehend  
i had never felt so alone in my life.

i was fine, there was a teacher behind me  
my friends found me, they comforted me as they could  
but i've never forgotten that feeling  
that feeling of being truely alone in this world  
no one understood why i was upset   
or why i was trailing behind  
or why i was in pain.

nobody does even now  
sure they can put names to it  
"anxiety" "autism" "depression"  
but they are just words  
words that are meant to be reassuring  
that just weigh me down more.

that feeling of being alone has followed me  
long after that incident  
and all the others that occured  
nobody knows how to handle me  
nobody knows how to help me.

and i just have to sit there  
feeling as alone as i did then  
afraid of being left behind.

but that fear is almost funny to me now  
that child never knew being truly alone  
at least she had friends and teachers who tried  
at least she had someone who cared  
i've already been left behind.

i don't have anyone  
i haven't for years  
i look back at this memory as the start  
of when life started to fall through my fingers.

but it also reminds me of a better time  
when people cared about me  
when being alone was just a smoke screen  
and once it lifted they would be there.

now its like i'm on the mountain  
freezing to the cliff side  
and i know no one is coming to help me  
i can't shout, i can't scream, i can't cry  
i just have to lie there  
useless, an opstical for others.

people step over me  
others try and fail to help  
most walk right past never knowing  
and i am just here  
alone  
waiting for the cold to take me.


End file.
